Now that you’ve decided to do No Contact or have already started, there’s the not so small matter of dealing with possessions. For the sake of your own emotional health and the tendency to get nostalgic when it’s a tough day, it’s better to deal with the possessions issue from the outset rather than leave it.
If there is going to be wrangling, better to get it out of the way now and know exactly where you stand – do not save up the discussion about possessions as a future potential opening for making contact.
For a start, go through every room in your home and cleanse your place of everything that either 1) belongs to him or 2) are mementos of your relationship.
Be rigorous in the cleanse and for the time being focus on picking up everything and you can sort it out once you’ve gathered them all and put them together. If you are feeling very upset, it may help to have a friend with you but choose a friend that will be kind but no nonsense and get on with the job at hand. You don’t need someone confusing the issue or trying to distract you from your intentions.
I know you’re probably feeling crappy, but put on some music and treat it like a cleaning session. The sooner it’s over, the sooner you can reclaim your space.
After you’ve collected up everything, use the cleansed space to have a reorganization. If looking at the couch reminds you of that time when you cuddled up and watched a soppy movie and you thought your heart would burst or it’s where you both used to hang out – move it or put a different throw and/or cushions on it.
But what about returning it to him!?
If you’ve pre-warned them that you’re sending back their stuff, you can, if you can afford it, get a courier/send by post, or you can drop the box over when you’re fairly sure they’re not going to be around. If they don’t have a porch or a neighbor, you can get in touch and say something like ‘I will be dropping over your stuff on Tuesday 13th July at 7.30pm. If you’re not in, I’ll leave it at no 2/in the porch’ or ‘I can drop your stuff over on Tuesday or Wednesday evening at around 8pm. Let me know which one you prefer. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume either is OK and drop them over.’
Don’t give too many options.
Don’t rely on them ‘doing the right thing’ and coming to collect it but also don’t try to create an event out of it.
Don’t use this as an opportunity to provoke a discussion about the relationship. You’ve already made the decision to do NC – don’t seek validation that may create more questions than answers.
If they’re a real assclown, expect resistance to them collecting the stuff or taking it – they’re trying to maintain control of the situation.
If they take back your stuff, they don’t have a way to get a foothold back in your life so they’re trying to keep the door open.
Put the stuff away far out of reach and if they haven’t got it within 2-3 months, send it to charity.
Don’t lose your mind over them not taking the stuff in the manner and haste that you expect – they didn’t do as you wanted in the relationship, why break the habit of a lifetime now? If it’s bothering you that much, post it or give it to charity. It’s not like you don’t know where they live!
In the next email…working out what you need to return and what you need to box up for a rainy day – it’s sorting time!
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