If you want to be his friend in spite of the fact that 1) you were never friends in the first place and/or 2) he treated you poorly in the relationship, I have to ask,
Why the hell do you want to be friends with this person?
If you want, need, or expect anything from your ex that you’re cutting contact with, even if you don’t express or acknowledge it, you have ulterior motives for wanting to be their friend
If you are no longer emotionally attached and have gotten over them and moved on, let’s say 6 months to a year down the line, go ahead and knock yourself out. That is of course if they actually have qualities that make them worthy of actually being your friend.
If someone is good enough to be your friend, how has it got to the point that you need to cut contact?
Bearing in mind that you have cut contact, what makes you feel that they will be respectful of your boundaries when you become their friend?
When you think about being friends you’ll think stuff like:
- I don’t believe in being mean/horrible/cold/nasty [insert your word of choice].
- I don’t want to waste what we had between us.
- I don’t want to seem like I’m not being mature about things.
- I still care about them.
- I would like to have them in my life.
- I think that just because you can’t be lovers doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.
- You also project how you would feel in the situation and you wouldn’t want them to not be friends with you.
**Now hard as this may be for many of you to hear, these are all codewords and phrases for:
- I don’t want to let go.
- I want to stay emotionally invested.
- I’m hoping he’ll change.
- I’m hoping that he’ll regret letting me go.
- I don’t love me enough.**
Bearing in mind why you have started No Contact in the first place, are these characteristics and behaviors that lend themselves to a friendship? If not, what would need to change?
What basis do you have for thinking that they have changed to the level that you would need?