“My Ex Wants To Be Friends” – What To Do

If you want to be his friend in spite of the fact that 1) you were never friends in the first place and/or 2) he treated you poorly in the relationship, I have to ask,

Why the hell do you want to be friends with this person?

If you want, need, or expect anything from your ex that you’re cutting contact with, even if you don’t express or acknowledge it, you have ulterior motives for wanting to be their friend

If you are no longer emotionally attached and have gotten over them and moved on, let’s say 6 months to a year down the line, go ahead and knock yourself out. That is of course if they actually have qualities that make them worthy of actually being your friend.

If someone is good enough to be your friend, how has it got to the point that you need to cut contact?

Bearing in mind that you have cut contact, what makes you feel that they will be respectful of your boundaries when you become their friend?

When you think about being friends you’ll think stuff like:

  • I don’t believe in being mean/horrible/cold/nasty [insert your word of choice].
  • I don’t want to waste what we had between us.
  • I don’t want to seem like I’m not being mature about things.
  • I still care about them.
  • I would like to have them in my life.
  • I think that just because you can’t be lovers doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.
  • You also project how you would feel in the situation and you wouldn’t want them to not be friends with you.

**Now hard as this may be for many of you to hear, these are all codewords and phrases for:

  • I don’t want to let go.
  • I want to stay emotionally invested.
  • I’m hoping he’ll change.
  • I’m hoping that he’ll regret letting me go.
  • I don’t love me enough.**

Bearing in mind why you have started No Contact in the first place, are these characteristics and behaviors that lend themselves to a friendship? If not, what would need to change?

What basis do you have for thinking that they have changed to the level that you would need?

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Emily Pierce September 6, 2011 at 7:42 pm

hey, well i am 15 years old and this website has been so helpful for me but im still a but worried about some stuff with my es boyfriend, and im just hoping you can help me.

you see, we were together for 7 months and it was the most amazing relationship by far that ive ever had, but the thing is, when he broke up before it was more or less just like any other break-up, (e.g. he would say ‘i think we need a break’ ‘ i cant deal with this anymore, we argue too much’) stuff like that, but this time it was diffrent, we went back out for about 2 months after that. but then we broke up again. but the thing that confuses me is that a few weeks ago he said to me that he misses me and he wants to see me… so i went round his house and we had such a lovely time, he said he was going to ask me back out after the 6 weeks holidays and he still loved me so much and well you get the point but ( it was like we never broke up) and then suddenly with 1 week before the end of the 6 weeks he just said… ‘i just want to be mates’ ( i was so shocked! you wouldnt belive how upset i was, and how deverstating it was for me but there you go)

i just need your help because i really dont know what to do anymore, i’ve done all the stupid things, like ive text him and rang him a billion times, he hasnt replied, and i know! that i SHOULD do that! but i cant help it!

i NEED your help please!! <3

Emily xxxxx

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2 Analisa October 21, 2011 at 5:36 am

Your blog has helped me so much. I blocked my ex from my phone, deleted him from my Facebook and then- found this blog. Whenever he does something annoying or I start getting all anxious, I run and I open your blog. Thank you!

… But you need to write an article now about giving your ex a birthday present/card. Cause that’s where I’m at right now!

XOXO

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3 Harper November 23, 2011 at 9:44 am

Your blog worked in the first 48 hours of no contact! Please help me by telling me how to make him work for it! :)

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4 susy December 7, 2011 at 4:18 am

What if you ex after 6 months trys to be friends with u and apoligizes all the time? ( i broke up with him for a stupid reason and of corse begged for him back he didnt take me back and jow he has a new gf) ahiuld i be friends with him if soi text him back everydsy when he texts me or what?.

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5 Cassie December 11, 2011 at 6:01 pm

After three months of going out with this guy I really really like he broke up with me when summer started. Now that schools back in we see each other a lot and at the beggining of the year I heard he still liked me, its been a couple months since then and now he txts me a lot and I heard he likes another girl, which in fact is a girl who hates me. We spent the whole summer not txting each other and on the third dayof school hhe txted me. Now I don’t know what to do bc of this other girl, please help :)

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6 Anon January 17, 2012 at 9:08 am

Essy!!! I need help!!

Me and my so called ex “broke up” last november. and since then i had a slight fling with this guy,but he was a total jerk,so thats when I realized that i still Loved my ex. then my friend “jb” started paring me with this guy. he’s ok we have ALOT in common but i still keep on thinking about my ex. so..what should I do? Since dec 15-jan 4 we had a christmas break and at theta time thats when i had that fling. but now that I’m in school again I’ve been seeing my ex a lot. the first day i went to school after vecation. He was the first person i saw -_- i needed to go to the library and he was there coincidently. so he huggged me and said hi and stuff but i skipped the chit chat and went to the library. so for me all the feelings came back all of a sudden. BTW the reason why we broke up was that.. i had a bad day my parents were going through a divorce so i wasn’t in a good mood.then all of a sudden i got mad at him for no reason. long story short. he told me that we should just have been friends. SO i got more pissed of and i went all apish*t on him. HELP ME WIN HIM BACK PLEASE! :( E-mail me back within the day or whatever. thanks Essy!!!
<3 -anonymous

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