I’m not quite sure why there needs to be such a fuss about breakups. I was in an extremely loving 3-year relationship, and my girlfriend broke up with me a month after I returned from a semester study abroad trip (we maintained fidelity and communication throughout the trip). The breakup was fairly out of the blue. HOWEVER, by no means did it take me 1.5 years (per your equation) to get over it. On the contrary, it took me three days. Maybe people just have phenomenally awful methods of getting over breakups. I find that the following rationale and method are most effective:

Rationale:
Breakups cause immense cognitive dissonance. In your mind, you had planend out months, or even years/decades of time together. You may have even envisioned marriage and a happy life with beautiful children. When these long-term-relationship assumptions suddenly come crashing down thanks to the breakup, your mind is sent spinning. All those connections you had established in your brain, all the future plans, the intended memories — they all must be forcibly rewritten. You now have to make sense of of your entire reality, given this new set of conditions. This typically takes a LOT of time, because people don’t know how to manage their responses to novel stimuli.

Method:
My method is extremely effective, and it’s worked on my last 5 breakups without fail. Just 3 steps:

1. Solitude — Go off alone and contemplate deeply, acknowledging your every feeling, desire, and memory regarding the relationship; in doing so, allow yourself a really good, long cry. Don’t hide anything from yourself. If you felt like this person was the one and only for you and there could never be any other, acknowledge this feeling, and own it. Look through your shared possessions, your past love letters, your texts, and cherish all of it. Your goal here is to picture your life as a timeline, and bundle this relationship as a journey along your life’s timeline that will subsequently serve as a positive learning experience for you for the rest of your life.

2. Reality Check — Once you’ve owned up to all of your feelings, desires, etc., it’s time for a reality check. You exist in a world of 7+ billion people, and any of them could turn out to be your next perfectly matched lover. Probability is on your side, especially given your ability to effect positive change in your own life. Your former lover is but one of many lovers you may have in your lifetime. Love is not a feeling that can run out. The beauty of life is that you can experience love time and time again, and you can get better at loving over time. You will certainly get better at managing your relationships over time, now that you’re explicitly learning from each previous one. This entire step is meant to imbue you with the confidence you need to pick up the pieces and start over. Give yourself a pat on the back. You survived one more relationship, and for a time, it added genuine happiness to your life. Put any bad feelings behind you. Negativity will only burden you. Whatever you can’t learn from, discard.

3. Planning — Now that you’re at peace with yourself and confident about moving forward, it’s time to plan your new future. This will ensure that you don’t get mired in old feelings, past bad habits, and complacency. Think of all those original plans you had with your former significant other. Your planned walks on the beach next to your future beach house, your wedding, your kids. Now, imagine five or ten other ideal significant others (out of 7 billion people, this shouldn’t be too hard), and acknowledge that any of them could enter your future plans and make them every bit as wonderful as you had always dreamed. Now it’s only a matter of moving on and meeting them. You’ve got a few options here. Maybe you want to take a year or two to stay single and focus on yourself. Build up your own confidence, career, etc. and wait for these romances to come to you. Alternatively, if you are the type who cherishes being in relationships, then take a few days to take stock of what you have to offer in a relationship. You should know from your last relationships what you need to work on, so do it. Your friends can also provide invaluable advice for getting better at relationships. If your previous relationship just ended, chances are your friends will be more than willing to reach out and support you. I’ve got this process down to three days. I challenge others to try it out for themselves. Know how your mind and body work, and challenge yourself to do better. Don’t indulge in self-hatred or myopia. Realize the potential that this world has to offer; realize the potential you have to offer; rejoice in both.

Hey girl, this caught my attention last night, and I thought I’d start a discussion about it here.

A member in the forum posted a link to this video about “Why Men Lie”:

I like it because it helps explain something I tell girls all the time – that what a guy SAYS, and what he THINKS, are two completely different things. However, this video puts it much more eloquently than I ever have

I watched the video to the end and made some notes to help you follow. You should watch it too. Let’s talk about it in the Comments section below.

My notes:

• 0min34secs – You’ve been lied to by every man you’ve ever met and dated. They’ve looked you in your eyes, smiled at you, and lied to you about everything. About what he wants, about what he feels about you, about what he desires.
• 2mins – What really goes on in men’s minds?
• 2min30secs – That knot in your stomach when you know you’ve been lied to.
• 2min57secs – How to understand men.
• 3min35secs – the weird email that changed everything.
• 4min22secs – the question he emailed the guys.
• 5min27secs – the romance lie.
• 6min02secs – the answers.
• 6min44secs – why they lied to women, and why they felt they HAD to lie to women.
• 7min51secs – the choice he was faced with.
• 8mins30secs – what we (guys) really think about, what we really want, why we lie, why we look at other women, what we talk about when you’re not around.

Let me know what you think in the Comments below.

Hey girl, I’m so glad you found your way here. I know you are hurting right now, and probably all you want to do is curl up on the couch and eat ice cream.

But good for you! You made the decision to sit down at your computer and search for answers. You are trying to take control of your situation. That is the first and hardest step.

Warning! Bad Advice Is Everywhere

If you take only one thing away from the Guide, it is this.

There’s a LOT of bad breakup advice out there (particularly on the internet) and it makes me so sad when I see girls ruin their chances of ever repairing their relationship by taking advice that is just plain WRONG.

So be very careful whose advice you choose to take about winning back your guy. Getting your ex boyfriend back is a very real possibility, but you must follow the right plan.

That’s why I’m so glad you found my site – I’ve been in your shoes before, and I’ve had the privilege of speaking with thousands of girls on this site who have been struggling through a breakup. I’ve come to know what works, and what doesn’t.

3 Sources Of Bad Breakup Advice You Must Avoid:

• Your Friends – they are there for you, but they don’t want to see you even more hurt. So they sugar-coat any advice they give.
• Most Internet Articles – half of them are written by shady marketers trying to sell dubious ebooks. The other half are often written by interns/paid writers who simply re-word what they found in a quick Google search.
• Yourself – you are often your own worst enemy. Let’s talk about this some more…

Don’t Listen To Your Gut Feelings

A good rule of thumb when making any decision is to always trust your gut instincts. Most of the time it will serve you well.

But not for breakups!

This is one time where your gut instincts are absolutely wrong. If you want to win back your boyfriend’s love, you must consciously act differently to what your heart is telling you to do. With all the confusing emotions running through your body, acting on instinct is going to make you appear desperate and crazy in the eyes of your ex.

Example – You call him when you know your shouldn’t

When you get emotional thinking about your ex boyfriend, your first instinct is to pick up the phone and call him. You find his voice reassuring, and in your head you believe that there’s some combination of words that you could say that will change his mind about the two of you.

You know deep-down that this is going to come across as needy and desperate. But you do it anyway!

In fact, a good 60% of the plan to win back your ex boyfriend simply involves cutting out the mistakes you naturally make in the wake of a breakup. Don’t worry if you’ve made these mistakes already, most girls do. What is important is that as of right now, you stop doing them.

Guys Never Take A Girl Back Out Of Pity

Guys don't dig this look

You care about him and you can’t imagine life without him. And on some level you want to prove to him how much he means to you by being up in his face begging for him back.

But, it’s the worst thing you can do right now. At the exact moment that he want some space from you, you are in fight-for-your-life mode trying to save the relationship. All this will do is push him further away.

Timing is important here

Once he has made the decision to end the relationship, there is a period of time where no amount of pleading on your part will make any difference. Jemima Fox – who is an expert in the psychology of breakups – calls this the “irrational escalation of commitment”.

Put simply, it means that in his own head, he needs to stick to the decision he has made (even if it turns out to be the wrong decision), because he doesn’t want to be seen to be indecisive. Guys have a built-in instinct to want to be seen as strong and in control.

Due to the ‘irrational escalation of commitment’ concept, you should always leave at least 4 weeks between the breakup and any attempt to win back your guy.

The best thing you can do during this period is to limit contact with him. By limiting contact, you achieve two things:

• You cut out looking desperate/needy whenever you contact him.
• You give your ex time to get over his commitment to his decision to break up with you.

The idea of a No Contact Rule has become popular in my forums, but a lot of girls miss the point and get it wrong.

The Myth Of The No Contact Rule

If you are not already familiar with the No Contact Rule, it is the idea that you should go completely silent on your ex and not contact him under any circumstances.

Most girls do it in an attempt to make their ex jealous or to make him think you are over him. This is the wrong approach, and will fail 9 times out of 10.

The purpose of the no contact rule is so that you stop making mistakes that damage your chances of getting him back, to give him time to get over his commitment to his decision to break up, and…

To give you emotional space from him such that you can become a calmer, more collected person.

I Prefer The “Limited Contact” Rule

The limited contact rule means that if your ex contacts you, you are allowed to reply, but you are limited to what you can say. But you should never be the one to get in contact with him. So no drunk-dials, no text messaging him out of the blue etc.

There is one exception to this however, and it is when you are just starting the Limited Contact period. You are allowed to send him one text.

You can send him this text when starting out: “I just want you to know I’m going to stop contacting you for a while. It’s not because I’ve moved on or because I don’t have feelings for you anymore, because I do. It’s just not fair on either of us, and we both need space from each other.”

A lot of girls like this approach of mine, because they are apprehensive that by suddenly cutting off all contact from your ex, he’s going to forget about you or think that you’ve moved on from him.

It also makes it more likely that you are going to stick to limiting contact with him, because you just told him that’s what you are going to do!

Under what circumstances are you allowed to contact him?

I recommend limiting contact from your ex boyfriend for at least 4 weeks, and even up to 8 weeks if you still don’t quite feel calmer and more in control of your life.

During this period, you should only contact him if HE is the one to initiate contact with you, whether it be a phone call or a text (if he calls, don’t pick up).

If he does get in touch, then you can reply by text.

Your reply should reinforce your decision to limit contact with him. Regardless of what he says, say something along the lines of: “Thanks. But I was serious when I said I needed space from you. Perhaps we can talk in a few weeks, but not right now. I hope that’s ok.”

Can you see why this is an effective strategy? It puts you in control, not in a manipulative way, but in a way that communicates to him that you are a strong character and that you’re not going to run back to him at the drop of a hat. Guys crave this.

Part II

We’ve just covered some of the more pressing things you need to on your quest to get your ex boyfriend back. Things like:

• Being careful which advice you choose to take (thankfully you’ve stumbled on a great site here that is here to help you out).
• Giving your ex boyfriend time to cool down and get over his commitment to his own decision to end your relationship.
• Avoiding making decisions based on gut instinct – breakups are an emotional rollercoaster, and this does not lead to good decision-making
• Limiting contact with your ex (and the reasons why), but not just dropping off the face of the planet.

The fact is, thousands of couples get back together every day, even after the most brutal of breakups. You and your ex boyfriend share strong emotional ties to each other, there might be resentment between you right now, but that fades with time. Getting your boyfriend back is very possible if you want it and you are smart about it.

In Part II I talk about some of the strategies I used during my own breakup that worked well. I also point you in the direction of a couple of resources I found useful if you want to get really specific tactics to get your boyfriend back.

Click Here For Part II

Over the past few weeks I have conducted a small survey on this site. The replies are really interesting.

I asked “Did your ex give you a solid reason for breaking up?”. Over 6000 of you replied.

The most illuminating discovery for me is that 1 in 6 girls are being dumped with no reason given whatsoever. Their other half don’t even have the decency of doing it in person. Of course, it could be because the girls answering that question were early in the relationship, and guys do have a tendency to flake out if it’s only a couple of weeks into things. But it’s still a surprising statistic.

There is then an approximately 50-50 split between guys who give genuine reasons vs guys who give fake reasons. This doesn’t surprise me as much. It sucks to be dumped, but it is also hard on the person ending the relationship. They don’t want to be seen to be shallow and rude, which is why they often fall back on the usual reasons, like:

• “It’s not you, it’s me”
• “I hope we can still be friends”
• “I think we need some space for a while”
• “You deserve better”

Uncovering the real reasons for a breakup often requires a dose of self-reflection. It is hard to look inwards and assess your own shortcomings. Of course, it takes two to tango – as they say – so it might simply come down to the insecurities and circumstances of your ex.

I’m interested to hear from you in the comments below about this survey. What was your personal experience? How many corny breakup lines did your ex boyfriend pull on you? If your ex was honest about his reasons, what were they, and did you learn from them?

Now that you’ve decided to do No Contact or have already started, there’s the not so small matter of dealing with possessions. For the sake of your own emotional health and the tendency to get nostalgic when it’s a tough day, it’s better to deal with the possessions issue from the outset rather than leave it.

If there is going to be wrangling, better to get it out of the way now and know exactly where you stand – do not save up the discussion about possessions as a future potential opening for making contact.

For a start, go through every room in your home and cleanse your place of everything that either 1) belongs to him or 2) are mementos of your relationship.

Be rigorous in the cleanse and for the time being focus on picking up everything and you can sort it out once you’ve gathered them all and put them together. If you are feeling very upset, it may help to have a friend with you but choose a friend that will be kind but no nonsense and get on with the job at hand. You don’t need someone confusing the issue or trying to distract you from your intentions.

I know you’re probably feeling crappy, but put on some music and treat it like a cleaning session. The sooner it’s over, the sooner you can reclaim your space.

After you’ve collected up everything, use the cleansed space to have a reorganization. If looking at the couch reminds you of that time when you cuddled up and watched a soppy movie and you thought your heart would burst or it’s where you both used to hang out – move it or put a different throw and/or cushions on it.

But what about returning it to him!?

If you’ve pre-warned them that you’re sending back their stuff, you can, if you can afford it, get a courier/send by post, or you can drop the box over when you’re fairly sure they’re not going to be around. If they don’t have a porch or a neighbor, you can get in touch and say something like ‘I will be dropping over your stuff on Tuesday 13th July at 7.30pm. If you’re not in, I’ll leave it at no 2/in the porch’ or ‘I can drop your stuff over on Tuesday or Wednesday evening at around 8pm. Let me know which one you prefer. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume either is OK and drop them over.’

Don’t give too many options.

Don’t rely on them ‘doing the right thing’ and coming to collect it but also don’t try to create an event out of it.

Don’t use this as an opportunity to provoke a discussion about the relationship. You’ve already made the decision to do NC – don’t seek validation that may create more questions than answers.

If they’re a real assclown, expect resistance to them collecting the stuff or taking it – they’re trying to maintain control of the situation.

If they take back your stuff, they don’t have a way to get a foothold back in your life so they’re trying to keep the door open.

Put the stuff away far out of reach and if they haven’t got it within 2-3 months, send it to charity.

Don’t lose your mind over them not taking the stuff in the manner and haste that you expect – they didn’t do as you wanted in the relationship, why break the habit of a lifetime now? If it’s bothering you that much, post it or give it to charity. It’s not like you don’t know where they live!

In the next email…working out what you need to return and what you need to box up for a rainy day – it’s sorting time!

When we’re No Contact and experience anxiety about what the other person think, feels, and does, and how they may perceive us, and analyzing the who, what, where, when, and how’s of what we could have done differently, we are assigning too much power to the other party.

A first step in getting real about and reclaiming your power is that nobody can have power that you don’t give.

Someone can send you a text message but you don’t have to reply. Even if you did reply, you don’t have to reply politely or tell them how much you missed and loved them.

Someone can push to see if the proverbial doorway into your life is open, but through your actions, you can demonstrate that the door is in fact closed instead of showing them through the door.

They can call you but you don’t have to answer. You can screen and block, and you don’t even have to listen to the voicemail.

If you bump into them when you are out, turn on your instant bright smile, say hello, wish them well, and move forward. Literally. Don’t dawdle for a conversation and a trip down validation street.

If you spend most of NC analyzing your relationship and trying to blame yourself while also wondering if and when you’re going to hear from them next, you are at best diluting but at worst removing your power.

No Contact is about disarming their hold over you.

If you’ve had to do NC or are starting it, this person is already taking up too much of your life and if you could’ve have broken up the ‘traditional’ way, you would have. But you’ve either been down that road already or recognize that the person has the type of personality that when you tell them to beat it, they up their intensity even though they have no more to offer than they did before.

When you find it hard to imagine your life without them, this is just too much power to give someone.

Remembering why you are NC and forcing yourself one day at a time to rebuff contact and focus your energies in a different direction, i.e. on you, will help you not only reclaim your power, but reclaim yourself.

This is the most effective way to neutralize the hold over you because if you were to remain in contact with them, you would get distracted. NC gives you the distance and objectivity needed that’s difficult to have when things are intense and distorted.

Don’t unnerve yourself by thinking about months or years right now – start by getting through each day and remain committed to each day and watch them build into weeks and eventually months.

NC is an either/or scenario – commit to NC and recognize that there will be good and bad days but that you’re doing it for the greater good of yourself. Or…allow yourself to be consumed by the other person and negate any power that you have and potential for happiness – remember that healthy relationships don’t involve you being consumed by someone.

It is time to get back your power. Accept and expect that it will be tough so that you don’t get caught with your pants down on a particularly tough day. But trust me when I say that by accepting the task of NC and reclaiming your power, you’ll often surprise yourself on how it’s not as painful as you thought it would be. It is recognizing that while you may be in pain, you’re doing right by yourself and opting out of an unhealthy situation, and that’s always a good thing.

Even if you have read my previous post about your ex wanting to be friends, if you’re still doubtful about being totally not in touch forever and ever more, you may already be pondering when it’s OK to resume contact.

My answer to that is:

Why are you already thinking about resuming contact?

It’s important to remember that you’re doing NC and that the focus is about you, not them, and that right now, worrying about when you can be back in touch with them is the least of your concerns.

If you are already thinking of a way to be in their lives, be careful of already being on the road to falling off the wagon, opening yourself up to hurt, and establishing a revised fallback position.

It’s important to ask yourself how serious you are about doing NC. If you haven’t been NC for at least 3-6 months already, it’s a good time to ask yourself why you’re doing NC:

1) Because you want to move on, get happier and eventually move on to a better, healthier relationship?

2) Because you are hoping that they will change, feel remorse, and want you back?

3) Because this is part of a game between you both and you were never truly committed to NC.

Have a very honest conversation with yourself: What are my real reasons for doing NC?

**Option 1 means they don’t come into the equation because NC is about you, attending to your own needs and rebuilding your life.

Option 2 is about putting yourself on hold and seeking validation.

Option 3 is about gameplaying.**

Options 2 and 3 are not genuine reasons to do NC.

Not only are you likely to fall off the wagon and invite pain into your life, but you’ll end up establishing a revised position where you communicate that you’re not serious with your intentions, you need them more than you need yourself, that you’ve been crying wolf, and that if you’re playing games, you’re being manipulative and passive aggressive.

These are not easy things to hear but in being honest with yourself, you can weigh up your options and bolster your resolve.

Don’t look at the admission that you’re hoping for change or playing a game as a reason to abandon NC – look at it as a reason to recognise that 1) your relationship is dependent on the other person changing or 2) your relationship has games which equals control, manipulation, and drama.

Denying the reality of your relationship and the effects of you engaging with this person, is lying to yourself. Retrace your steps, strip away the if’s, but’s, maybe’s, excuses, dreams, holding out, hoping and all that jazz and ask yourself: Why is this relationship not working? Why am I unhappy? Why am I cutting contact?

Don’t sugarcoat it for yourself. Do yourself a favor and be honest. Yes NC is hard, yes it feels weird not to be in touch, but it will be even harder and weirder to go back down a road that you already know hurts.

If you want to be his friend in spite of the fact that 1) you were never friends in the first place and/or 2) he treated you poorly in the relationship, I have to ask,

Why the hell do you want to be friends with this person?

If you want, need, or expect anything from your ex that you’re cutting contact with, even if you don’t express or acknowledge it, you have ulterior motives for wanting to be their friend

If you are no longer emotionally attached and have gotten over them and moved on, let’s say 6 months to a year down the line, go ahead and knock yourself out. That is of course if they actually have qualities that make them worthy of actually being your friend.

If someone is good enough to be your friend, how has it got to the point that you need to cut contact?

Bearing in mind that you have cut contact, what makes you feel that they will be respectful of your boundaries when you become their friend?

When you think about being friends you’ll think stuff like:

• I don’t believe in being mean/horrible/cold/nasty [insert your word of choice].
• I don’t want to waste what we had between us.
• I don’t want to seem like I’m not being mature about things.
• I still care about them.
• I would like to have them in my life.
• I think that just because you can’t be lovers doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.
• You also project how you would feel in the situation and you wouldn’t want them to not be friends with you.

**Now hard as this may be for many of you to hear, these are all codewords and phrases for:

• I don’t want to let go.
• I want to stay emotionally invested.
• I’m hoping he’ll change.
• I’m hoping that he’ll regret letting me go.
• I don’t love me enough.**

Bearing in mind why you have started No Contact in the first place, are these characteristics and behaviors that lend themselves to a friendship? If not, what would need to change?

What basis do you have for thinking that they have changed to the level that you would need?

For those of you thinking that it’s damn near impossible to cut contact when you work with someone, I’m here to tell you that I am living proof that it can be done.

Yes it’s a bit more awkward or even at times, a lot more awkward, but the fact of the matter is that work is a professional place and if you remind yourself that being professional doesn’t involve you having to be friends with or having a relationship with them, you won’t let the fact that you used to be together get in the way.

I won’t lie – seeing them each day, is initially, quite difficult. However, what I discovered was that once I had made my decision to cut contact, I dug my heels in, gritted my teeth and got on with it. At first it took a lot of effort but after a while, it became second nature. What were the hardest days?

• When I entertained his conversation for too long and gave him too much credit for a maturity in the situation that he didn’t actually possess.
• When I read his emails trying to talk me round.
• When I listened to drunken rants and declarations of his feelings.
• When we had to work on the same clients or attend the same social events.
• However all of these become a lot easier and the general working together thing becomes manageable when you remember some golden rules.

1. Accept that it will be hard.

Expecting it to be easy or easier is fooling yourself. Remember, normally when we break up with people, we don’t have to face them at work each day.

2. Keep conversations strictly professional and cut it off as soon as they overstep the mark.

The message becomes very clear: If you cross the line, I will shut down and we’ll have nothing to do with one another at all. Likewise, make sure that you are totally professional because if you are not, you may inadvertently give them reason to feel their own behaviour is legitimate.

3. You can be courteous and polite – it’s called being professional. Anything else is overkill.

It’s very easy to get things twisted and think that you have to bend over backwards – you don’t. Stop trying to be friends. You’ve just broken up AND you’ve had to do NC to put boundaries there – stop undoing the work you’ve already done by trying to be The Good Girl or The Good Guy.

4. If you’re working on clients, read those emails. Everything else, delete as soon as it becomes apparent that it’s personal.

Once you have cut contact and you may even have said back off and leave me alone, that means that especially because you’re at work, they have to do as you request. If they persist, remind them that everything must be strictly professional, or else!

5. If you’ve been involved with your boss and you’re finding it difficult to keep your distance and respect your own boundaries, it’s time to get a new job.

Tough to hear but if you can’t keep it professional or your boss is threatening your future now that you won’t sleep with them, you’re kinda caught between a rock and a hard place. Yes it may take a little while and yes it involves swallowing your pride, but if you guys can’t get out of this amicably and respectfully, your job is doomed. Don’t cling to it out of pride and stubbornness.

6.Steer clear of listening to or joining in on gossip.

The upside of any info that you do catch is that it may cement your reason for doing NC.

The downside of any information that you do catch is that you may over blow the meaning of it, internalise it, give yourself a hard time, lose perspective, and react to it.

7. Accept that you cannot control what everyone thinks of you.

People might talk but it does pass, especially if you’re not providing any fodder. You will play a fools game if you base your actions on trying to prove to co-workers that you’re a wonderful person – you’re trying to prove who you are in a romantic context. It’s a place of work and the only thing you need to demonstrate is your professionalism. People will make up their own mind but often, they care a lot less than you think.

8. Be polite in social situations but keep a very clear distance, especially around alcohol.

They can have a rant at you but you don’t have to listen and so take it from someone who knows, don’t let your guard down at social events and if you know they have a tendency to get drunk and mouthy when out, keep your distance, try not to get caught out alone, or leave early. You’ll only need to do this the first few times and then they’ll get the message.

It *will* be tempting to contact your ex. Here are some ground rules.

• But what will I do/how will I react if he gets in touch?
• Surely it’s really rude to ignore their message? What if they think something’s happened to me? What if they think I’m dead?
• Maybe I should just pick up the phone or reply to one of their texts so that I can tell them I’m no contact?
• Surely it won’t do any harm to see how they’re doing?
• What if they’ve been trying to call me/text me and I’ve not been getting their messages?

Contact Is Contact

When you make contact after starting NC and by ‘make’ that means instigating or accepting it in any, way, shape, or form, it is contact. Period. Contact is contact.

The trouble with thinking about what you will do if they get in touch is that if you imagine a ‘problem’ instead of imagining a solution and a confident you rebuffing the contact, you’re already on your way to imagining scenarios where you’re helpless to the cause and unable to stop yourself.

For stuff like texts, emails, voicemails, it’s ignore and/or block.

If you end up accidentally picking up a call because they withhold their number, you bump into them, or they turn up on your doorstep, decline to speak, make a polite exit as quickly as possible, or ask them to leave. If you imagine talking and explaining, eyes meeting across a room and you being overwhelmed with longing, or you letting them into your home, you’re disempowering yourself by fantasizing instead of actually working out what you will do.

If you expect that one of these scenarios could happen, you can be prepared.

It is not rude to ignore their message – you’re now NC, it’s what you’re supposed to do. They are no longer your problem. If they need a shoulder to lean on, money, sex, or an ego stroke, you don’t need to know about it.

They don’t think you’re dead. Would you think they were dead if you didn’t hear from them? Cut the fantasy of them being so desperate with worry and concern that they hunt you down, profess their undying love, and you run off into the sunset. You know you’re not dead but the old you that put up with their stuff, is on their way out.

You don’t need to pick up the phone or reply to their text.

Why? Actions speak louder than words. You have cut contact. You don’t need to say ‘I am ignoring you’ because it is an opening to a discussion and an invitation to start a dialogue where hopefully they beg forgiveness, show remorse, and beg for your attention…so you can run off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

You don’t need to see how they’re doing.

Why open yourself up to pain? Wanting to see how someone who you are cutting contact is about curiosity about how they will react from hearing from you and seeking validation that they care.

Let me assure you, there is nothing wrong with your telephone line or your service provider.

You can pick up the phone and check for messages a gazillion times, but just remember that you are at that stage of NC where you have a rubbernecking, kneejerking curiosity to know if you doing NC is making an impact. You want to believe that they care, that you’re desired, missed, and triggering remorse.

NC is not about them – it’s about you.

If there is something wrong with your service provider, look at it as them doing you a big favor!

Be careful of thinking that it’s just a ‘little text’ or a ‘little phonecall’ etc.

You may look at it as giving them 1% attention but they just see it as attention, period. He realizes he’s proved his point, and often, won’t even bother to return your call or will just straight up vanish.

99% of the time, whatever reason you have come up with for making contact or accepting it, it’s not the real reason and if you’re even THINKING about making contact, it’s a neon flashing light of a signal that is telling you that you haven’t cut contact for long enough.

For now, even if you have to sit on your hands or tape them to your side, forget about making or accepting contact.

When you get the urge to make contact whether you instigate it or contemplate accepting it, write down your reason, what has triggered it, and what making the contact will achieve in the medium and long-term. If you can’t think of a medium or long-term reason, it’s impulsive, kneejerking. If you can think of a medium or long-term reason, ask yourself if it’s a fantasy/illusion and what the reasoning is based on. By the time you’re finished, you’ll have tired of the idea if you’re genuine about cutting contact for your own sake and keeping it real.