Hey girl, I’m so glad you found your way here. I know you are hurting right now, and probably all you want to do is curl up on the couch and eat ice cream.
But good for you! You made the decision to sit down at your computer and search for answers. You are trying to take control of your situation. That is the first and hardest step.
Warning! Bad Advice Is Everywhere
If you take only one thing away from the Guide, it is this.
There’s a LOT of bad breakup advice out there (particularly on the internet) and it makes me so sad when I see girls ruin their chances of ever repairing their relationship by taking advice that is just plain WRONG.
So be very careful whose advice you choose to take about winning back your guy. Getting your ex boyfriend back is a very real possibility, but you must follow the right plan.
That’s why I’m so glad you found my site – I’ve been in your shoes before, and I’ve had the privilege of speaking with thousands of girls on this site who have been struggling through a breakup. I’ve come to know what works, and what doesn’t.
3 Sources Of Bad Breakup Advice You Must Avoid:
- Your Friends – they are there for you, but they don’t want to see you even more hurt. So they sugar-coat any advice they give.
- Most Internet Articles – half of them are written by shady marketers trying to sell dubious ebooks. The other half are often written by interns/paid writers who simply re-word what they found in a quick Google search.
- Yourself – you are often your own worst enemy. Let’s talk about this some more…
Don’t Listen To Your Gut Feelings
A good rule of thumb when making any decision is to always trust your gut instincts. Most of the time it will serve you well.
But not for breakups!
This is one time where your gut instincts are absolutely wrong. If you want to win back your boyfriend’s love, you must consciously act differently to what your heart is telling you to do. With all the confusing emotions running through your body, acting on instinct is going to make you appear desperate and crazy in the eyes of your ex.
Example – You call him when you know your shouldn’t
When you get emotional thinking about your ex boyfriend, your first instinct is to pick up the phone and call him. You find his voice reassuring, and in your head you believe that there’s some combination of words that you could say that will change his mind about the two of you.
You know deep-down that this is going to come across as needy and desperate. But you do it anyway!
In fact, a good 60% of the plan to win back your ex boyfriend simply involves cutting out the mistakes you naturally make in the wake of a breakup. Don’t worry if you’ve made these mistakes already, most girls do. What is important is that as of right now, you stop doing them.
Guys Never Take A Girl Back Out Of PityIt’s natural to feel the urge to beg and plead for your ex boyfriend back.
You care about him and you can’t imagine life without him. And on some level you want to prove to him how much he means to you by being up in his face begging for him back.
But, it’s the worst thing you can do right now. At the exact moment that he want some space from you, you are in fight-for-your-life mode trying to save the relationship. All this will do is push him further away.
Timing is important here
Once he has made the decision to end the relationship, there is a period of time where no amount of pleading on your part will make any difference. Jemima Fox – who is an expert in the psychology of breakups – calls this the “irrational escalation of commitment”.
Put simply, it means that in his own head, he needs to stick to the decision he has made (even if it turns out to be the wrong decision), because he doesn’t want to be seen to be indecisive. Guys have a built-in instinct to want to be seen as strong and in control.
Due to the ‘irrational escalation of commitment’ concept, you should always leave at least 4 weeks between the breakup and any attempt to win back your guy.
The best thing you can do during this period is to limit contact with him. By limiting contact, you achieve two things:
- You cut out looking desperate/needy whenever you contact him.
- You give your ex time to get over his commitment to his decision to break up with you.
The Myth Of The No Contact Rule
If you are not already familiar with the No Contact Rule, it is the idea that you should go completely silent on your ex and not contact him under any circumstances.
Most girls do it in an attempt to make their ex jealous or to make him think you are over him. This is the wrong approach, and will fail 9 times out of 10.
The purpose of the no contact rule is so that you stop making mistakes that damage your chances of getting him back, to give him time to get over his commitment to his decision to break up, and…
To give you emotional space from him such that you can become a calmer, more collected person.
I Prefer The “Limited Contact” Rule
The limited contact rule means that if your ex contacts you, you are allowed to reply, but you are limited to what you can say. But you should never be the one to get in contact with him. So no drunk-dials, no text messaging him out of the blue etc.
There is one exception to this however, and it is when you are just starting the Limited Contact period. You are allowed to send him one text.
You can send him this text when starting out: “I just want you to know I’m going to stop contacting you for a while. It’s not because I’ve moved on or because I don’t have feelings for you anymore, because I do. It’s just not fair on either of us, and we both need space from each other.”
A lot of girls like this approach of mine, because they are apprehensive that by suddenly cutting off all contact from your ex, he’s going to forget about you or think that you’ve moved on from him.
It also makes it more likely that you are going to stick to limiting contact with him, because you just told him that’s what you are going to do!
Under what circumstances are you allowed to contact him?
I recommend limiting contact from your ex boyfriend for at least 4 weeks, and even up to 8 weeks if you still don’t quite feel calmer and more in control of your life.
During this period, you should only contact him if HE is the one to initiate contact with you, whether it be a phone call or a text (if he calls, don’t pick up).
If he does get in touch, then you can reply by text.
Your reply should reinforce your decision to limit contact with him. Regardless of what he says, say something along the lines of: “Thanks. But I was serious when I said I needed space from you. Perhaps we can talk in a few weeks, but not right now. I hope that’s ok.”
Can you see why this is an effective strategy? It puts you in control, not in a manipulative way, but in a way that communicates to him that you are a strong character and that you’re not going to run back to him at the drop of a hat. Guys crave this.
We’ve just covered some of the more pressing things you need to on your quest to get your ex boyfriend back. Things like:
- Being careful which advice you choose to take (thankfully you’ve stumbled on a great site here that is here to help you out).
- Giving your ex boyfriend time to cool down and get over his commitment to his own decision to end your relationship.
- Avoiding making decisions based on gut instinct – breakups are an emotional rollercoaster, and this does not lead to good decision-making
- Limiting contact with your ex (and the reasons why), but not just dropping off the face of the planet.
The fact is, thousands of couples get back together every day, even after the most brutal of breakups. You and your ex boyfriend share strong emotional ties to each other, there might be resentment between you right now, but that fades with time. Getting your boyfriend back is very possible if you want it and you are smart about it.
In Part II I talk about some of the strategies I used during my own breakup that worked well. I also point you in the direction of a couple of resources I found useful if you want to get really specific tactics to get your boyfriend back.